GDTEA Ch 60

I Don’t Want to Find It

Sharti headed to the temporary accommodations provided by the village.

Walking alone through the village late at night somehow made her feel at ease.

Her depressed mood had somehow been washed away, becoming like gentle waves.

‘I should apologize later.’

After organizing her emotions, Sharti was able to think rationally again and let out a deep sigh.

Thinking of Ashu, who must be confused after being left alone, she felt guilty.

‘I was too rude.’

She had impulsively confessed her ugly feelings, pouring out raw emotions she couldn’t handle herself, and then ran away. She also felt sorry for abruptly ending the walk he had suggested.

However, Sharti didn’t particularly regret it. In a way, it was Sharti’s method of drawing a line and keeping distance. She had just been a bit too harsh and firm with Ashu in that moment.

‘Why do I seem to be acting so impulsively lately?’

Sharti paused for a moment and looked up at the night sky.

The night sky was particularly beautiful in Ashu’s village. The stars densely embedded in the night sky twinkled as if someone had ground magic stones and sprinkled them across the heavens.

Under the countless twinkling stars, Sharti pressed firmly on her chest.

‘I need to endure, but I feel myself becoming lax without realizing it.’

Sharti frowned.

She quietly berated herself for letting her mental state become too relaxed.

‘I need to be careful.’

However, the moment she opened the door to her temporary lodging, Sharti realized the cause.

“I was just about to go look for you since you were taking so long.”

Ren, who had been in the process of putting on his shoes, quickly approached her.

With his keen perception, Ren noticed that her body had grown cold and wrapped her with the blanket he had been holding at his side.

“I’ve kept the room warm. Let’s go inside, Master.”

Sharti hesitantly stepped inside.

She could feel Ren’s breath trembling slightly as he exhaled in relief. He must have been waiting for her, worried all this time.

Sharti rubbed her nose once for no reason. It was confirmed without room for excuse that she was dependent on Ren’s presence.

‘I shouldn’t get used to this.’

But she already had.

It felt natural to imagine Ren worrying about her, and she could easily read the emotions behind Ren’s calm face.

Even her muscles, stiff with tension, slowly melted like ice when she stood before Ren.

“…….”

Meanwhile, Ren kept his hand on the doorknob, sharply watching the surroundings.

Just because they had become cooperative didn’t mean the watchful eyes had completely disappeared.

Ren clicked his tongue, standing askew towards the outside.

“How inconsiderate. Making Master work without rest and then sending her back alone at this late hour.”

His voice was a bit too loud for a mutter to himself.

Bang. After appropriately pointing out Ashu’s lack of sensitivity, Ren immediately closed the door.

“Ren?”

When Sharti, standing dumbfounded in the middle of the room, called out, Ren strode back to her.

“Sit here.”

“First, your hands…”

“Never mind.”

With a stubborn attitude, Ren sat Sharti on the bed and covered her with the blanket. Suddenly buried in a thick blanket, Sharti glanced at Ren’s expression.

Ren brought a large basin, which he had prepared at some point. It contained warm water for washing.

Watching with disbelieving eyes, Sharti quickly shook her head.

“I’ll do it myself!”

Ren naturally knelt down at the foot of the bed, rolling up his sleeves, which alarmed Sharti.

However, Ren paid no mind and soaked a towel in the water.

After wringing out the towel firmly, Ren looked up at her, holding it with both hands.

“If it gets colder, I’ll go reheat it.”

Not just his attitude but his expression was stubborn too.

After hesitating, Sharti decided not to argue further and extended her hands.

Fortunately, the water didn’t need to be reheated. Ren tilted his head primly and wrapped her hands with the towel.

“The walk must have been enjoyable. Your hands are like ice, yet you came back so late.”

“…….”

His tone was clearly disgruntled.

“Umm, did you get some rest, Ren?”

“What else would I do when Master didn’t take me along or even look for me?”

Ren muttered as if grumbling.

Sharti bit her lip. She could see his lips slowly forming a pout.

“I’m sorry.”

“You must have had reasons to leave me behind. I understand.”

It was a sulky expression that didn’t match his strong features.

“…But did you really have to leave me behind?”

Seeing Ren trying not to show that he was clearly upset, Sharti finally burst into a small laugh.

As her robe shook with her laughter, Ren made a sour face.

“You worked hard all day, Ren. I wanted to let you rest.”

“The same applies to you, Master.”

Ren diligently massaged her hands, pressing firmly.

Sharti looked down at her hands held by Ren. She could feel his grip strength through the towel.

Sharti rolled her eyes slightly and peeked at Ren. She could only see the top of his head as he concentrated on the massage.

‘His hair seems longer than when we first met.’

Sharti was captivated by the black-brown hair that swayed gently. Then she suddenly felt a small impulse.

She wanted to touch his hair.

If she did, Ren would surely look up and their eyes would meet.

‘…I, I must be tired! What strange thoughts!’

Sharti snapped back to her senses while imagining Ren’s gaze.

She shook her head vigorously, struggling internally.

‘At this rate, I might fall asleep again like last time. Focus!’

Sharti opened her eyes wide and straightened her back.

“…Are you uncomfortable somewhere?”

“N-no!”

“That’s good.”

Ren smiled slightly and released her hands.

Then, in the blink of an eye, he took hold of her feet.

“R-Ren! I’m fine now!”

“I’m not satisfied yet.”

Ren, in a familiar posture, wrapped her feet and legs with the towel and began to massage them.

It was still a massage so skillful that it made her want to moan.

Sharti, who had been fidgeting to pull her feet away, gave up and closed her eyes tightly. Meanwhile, she could feel that Ren’s massage skills had improved.

‘Is he studying massage techniques separately?’

Thanks to Ren’s massages, the symptoms of soreness and stiffness after long walks had significantly reduced.

The same was true for her hands. Sharti clenched and unclenched her fists repeatedly.

The physical changes felt after Ren’s massages had become familiar too.

Many things had changed because of Ren’s presence, and Sharti had already become accustomed to those changes.

“How was it today?”

“What do you mean?”

Ren asked while still concentrating on the massage.

“You went out.”

“…….”

Ren looked up.

“You should have wrapped your bandages, but you freely went outside for a short time, visiting various villages, seeing people, meeting them, talking to them.”

“…….”

“I’m curious how it was.”

Ren is a patient with amnesia. And someday, he would leave.

Instead of the fake name ‘Ren,’ he would reclaim his real name and return to his original life.

Even though she had grown accustomed to him, even though she was increasingly influenced by him and changing, eventually she would be alone again.

Sharti reminded herself of reality once more and pulled herself together before her heart softened.

“Did you remember anything?”

“Well…”

Ren resumed his massage with an indifferent face.

This time, Sharti avoided his touch.

“Ren? Look at me.”

For a moment, Ren’s voice had sounded extremely cynical, so Sharti examined him with a concerned expression.

Sure enough, when Ren reluctantly raised his head, his expression was not good.

“Did something happen?”

Ren exhaled a silent, long sigh.

Sharti half-rose, seeing his face that somehow looked dark.

She reached out and pulled Ren’s arm.

There was no need to use force. Ren obediently stood up and sat beside her on the bed as she guided him.

“Why, did someone treat you rudely? Or did you really remember something…?”

“Sha-.”

“Yes.”

Ren couldn’t easily open his mouth. Sharti felt her lips drying with anxiety.

Because of this, she didn’t notice Ren slightly leaning his body closer to her.

“It was peaceful. The village, the people, the atmosphere, everything.”

Ren murmured bitterly with his gaze lowered.

“A sense of belonging, a sense of community. I’ve never had them, never felt them before, but today I saw them with my own eyes for the first time.”

“…….”

“And at the same time, I realized that I cannot belong to these things.”

His self-deprecating monologue was pitiful.

Sharti unconsciously reached out her hand. But her awkwardly extended hand stopped in midair.

‘What words would comfort him?’

After some deliberation, Sharti gathered her courage and patted the back of Ren’s hand.

“It’s because you don’t have your memories. Things will be different when you find them.”

Sharti stubbornly patted his large hand, which was never fully covered by her small one.

Ren shook his head.

“What if not? What if I find my memories and I’m still empty inside?”

Sharti was considerably surprised inwardly.

It was a very negative and skeptical response.

“What if I find my memories and I’m even more pathetic than now? What if the memories I’ve been trying to find are actually my disgrace?”

Terrible loneliness. Vague fear. Clear resignation.

As close as they had become, Ren’s emotions were completely readable.

“Do you know what I thought while wandering alone today?”

Ren spoke with self-deprecation.

“Even when meeting people, going to new places, I thought it was fortunate that no memories came back.”

“…!”

“I like who I am now. It’s not that my subconscious is rejecting it, but my current will is like that. I don’t want to find what I’ve lost.”

It was a statement that cut off the past that had already gone by without looking back.

The cold appearance that seemed like it would haunt her caused Sharti a sharp pain.

Then Ren turned his head toward Sharti.

He was smiling. It was a somewhat sorrowful smile, yet one that seemed to reassure her that everything was fine.

“The little doctor said that I, ‘Ren,’ am a ‘good person.’ But… when I find my memories, all the emotions I felt and realized while being with you, Sha, might fade away.”

Ren confessed his fear of no longer being seen as a “good person” in the eyes of that pure child.

He was concerned that when he found his memories, the present and the past would mix and become muddled.

As Ren closed his eyes gently, Sharti felt her heart burning.

‘It’s just speculation.’

But Sharti was at a loss for words and couldn’t refute anything.

There was no certainty with the variable of memories.

Lacking in eloquence, she couldn’t think of words to comfort Ren.

‘Anyway, it’s Ren’s memory. It’s not for a doctor, let alone someone else, to interfere with the patient’s decision.’

Then what was that pain earlier?

It was inexplicable why she herself was hurt by Ren’s coldly stating that a past he couldn’t remember was unnecessary.

‘…You promised.’

[The me who finds my memories can’t be ‘Ren.’ That doesn’t mean the current me will disappear. At least, Sha, I won’t disappear silently from in front of you.]

Even recalling Ren’s promise didn’t ease the stirring in her heart.

Looking at Sharti intently, Ren quietly flipped his hand over and held her palm.

“And there’s something else I felt.”

“…?”

Ren gently swayed Sharti’s hand.

“That I’m happy to have a place to return to.”

“…”

“Because you, Sha, are there at the place I return to.”

At that moment, Sharti’s gaze turned to her hand, held by Ren.

The trembling transmitted through the large palm tickled her.

Sharti slowly raised her gaze to look at Ren.

“So I’m fine. You don’t need to worry.”

“…”

As their relationship had grown closer, Sharti had come to know many things about Ren and could distinguish his emotions. Just as Sharti had changed, and just as she had caused him to change, Ren had also changed due to Sharti’s influence, but she couldn’t miss the differences in those changes.

Sharti was perceptive.

She didn’t bother pulling her hand away and felt the trembling transmitted from him for a long time.

It was a night filled with many thoughts.

****

Three days later, the main gate of Ashu’s village opened wide.

Dozens of mercenaries with fierce appearances and intense auras had visited the hidden village.

The village chief’s mouth gradually opened at the tremendous crowd.

“S-so many… Ahem, welcome.”

With obvious tension on his face, the village chief formally greeted Vireta and the mercenary group.

And at the forefront of the mercenary group was someone Sharti knew well.

“I heard my child is here.”

It was Vireta.

She had come running, trusting only Sharti’s note.