DS Chapter 20

So, did I distance myself from Logan after that day? No, I didn’t.

Like a dog can’t stop eating crap… I was constantly tormented by overwhelming thirst and hunger, making it impossible for me to keep my sanity, let alone stay away from Logan.

I was still the same, running to him, panting like a starving, heat-driven dog.

“Hurry up and take off your pants. I’m hungry. I want to eat now!”

“You’re really just coming right out and saying it now, huh.”

But deep down, a seed of betrayal, distrust, and anxiety toward Logan had taken root.

I was still aroused by him, my heart still raced and fluttered, yet at the same time, I doubted him and kept my guard up. My emotions swung like a seesaw between lust and suspicion.

Sometimes, rage and frustration surged inside me, and I’d pin him down beneath me, riding him with fierce, punishing movements.

I’d force his cock deep into me, slamming hard enough that it felt like my insides were flipping over, the pain so intense it left me breathless.

Other times, I’d shove his cock down my throat, so far that it triggered my gag reflex. The sour taste of bile would rise, my breath would hitch, and my eyes would roll back, but I forced myself to swallow it all. I focused more on the pain than the pleasure.

It hurt, it hurt so much, and I couldn’t breathe. During those brutal sessions, tears would fall freely as I cried out in agony.

But I couldn’t stop. It was like punishing myself, as if I needed to be treated as terribly as I felt about myself to find some kind of twisted comfort.

I couldn’t blame Logan, couldn’t erase the past, and had nowhere to run. So, I tormented the easiest target—myself.

“Stop.”

“Guh…! Nngh, ugh.”

“Kylie. Stop.”

As I forced his cock deep into my throat, tears streaming down my face, Logan pushed me away.

I wiped the saliva from my messy mouth and glared at him with defiance, wondering why he was stopping.

“…Why?”

“Let’s stop for today.”

“Why? Didn’t you like it? Was it not good?”

Logan looked at me with quiet eyes, his lips parting slightly. Then, without a word, he pulled me into his arms.

I tried to twist away, but his grip only tightened. Eventually, I let go of all my strength, collapsing limply against him.

Resting my cheek against his chest, I listened to the pounding of his heart, trying to calm the waves of excitement and anxiety.

He leaned against the headboard, pressing his lips gently against my forehead, whispering in a pained voice.

“You look like you’re in pain. I don’t like it. Let’s stop.”

What does it matter to you if I’m in pain? All you care about is coming in my mouth, feeling your pleasure and then being done with it. Why do you care about me now?

Even as anger and rebellious thoughts swirled in my mind, tears started to fall.

There wasn’t any rain, but it felt like a torrential downpour was crashing around my ears. I felt like I was drowning in it, gasping for air, clinging to him for dear life.

I don’t even know why I’m like this. I want to stop acting so strangely, but I can’t. I don’t know how to stop.

I can’t escape these bizarre desires, this hunger, or the self-torment. I can’t free myself from the shame that feels like my skin is being stripped off, or the pain that crushes my insides.

Since I saw that photo, I couldn’t close my eyes without flashes of my time as a zombie coming back to me. It wasn’t just the image from the picture.

It was like a button had been pressed, like a dark room suddenly lit up, bringing back the memories I had buried deep down—the ones I never wanted to face.

I was nothing more than a grotesque creature, driven by nothing but the desire to devour him. And Logan, who stayed by my side despite it all.

He subdued me when I lunged at him, sometimes stroked my hair, sighed as if annoyed, locked me in a room with a hardened face, tied me up… and even drew his own blood to feed me. I begged, desperate, for every drop that fell from the needle.

That’s how I survived. Logan kept me alive like that. No—he didn’t just keep me alive. He trained and tamed me like an animal.

Can I ever go back to how I was? Or am I doomed to live like this, mentally broken forever?

If I’m destined to live like this, always in heat like a desperate dog, pathetically clinging to Logan, living a worthless life…

“Why… why did you save me? You should’ve just let me die. Then I wouldn’t have to suffer like this. Why did you save me for your own reasons?!”

Logan held me tighter, as if he couldn’t breathe without me. His breathing, rough and unsteady, matched mine.

I couldn’t tell if he was angry or on the verge of tears. I didn’t have the energy to decipher his expression or feelings.

I knew my words were tearing at his heart, but I lashed out at him, letting my bitterness spill out.

I blamed him, throwing my unbearable pain and sorrow onto him, hoping to escape this despair, even just a little.

“It’s all your fault. I’m like this because of you. If it weren’t for you… if it weren’t for you…!”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Kylie.”

“You’re disgusting. I’m disgusted, sick to my stomach. This isn’t me, this isn’t who I am…”

“I don’t care what you look like. Just stay with me. Stay by my side.”

“No! Why do I have to live like this? Why do I have to endure this suffering?”

His hands were warm as they cupped my tear-streaked face. Through my blurry vision, I could see Logan’s face, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“…Please, don’t leave me alone. I can’t live without you. Nothing matters without you.”

His voice trembled with desperation, choking me with the weight of his plea.

Not only did you not let me die peacefully, but you won’t even let me go. You’ve trapped me in this hell.

Logan, selfish, cruel, and cowardly. Why are you torturing me like this? Why are you clinging to me so desperately?

Why… why can’t you just let me go? Even I want to give up on myself.

* * *

“Eat your food.”

“I don’t feel like eating right now. I’ll eat later.”

I stared blankly at the table before standing up. Just the sight of fruits and vegetables made my stomach churn.

“Kylie.”

Logan called my name in a stern voice. His tone made it clear that I was expected to sit back down at the table. My mood soured.

“Whether I eat or not is my choice. Just leave me alone.”

“Sit down.”

“…”

“Now.”

If I kept resisting, he’d force me back to the table. He’d watch me eat, turning it into a slow, agonizing punishment until I finished every bite.

Ever since I collapsed after skipping dinner and only taking my injection, he’d been stricter with me. Now, I couldn’t leave the table until I’d finished every tasteless bite.

And that wasn’t the only thing. Sex had been reduced to once every two days, and he wouldn’t let me drink his cum anymore.

The longer this went on, the more irritable and sensitive I became. We’d been arguing more and more lately.

As if things weren’t already hard enough, why was he making it worse?

Even though I knew why Logan was acting this way, I couldn’t help feeling wronged. His concern didn’t matter to me; all I could feel was my hunger and my pain.

With a face full of reluctance, I forced the food down. It felt like I was shoving rotting, maggot-ridden garbage down my throat, the taste sickening.

“…I’m done.”

“Good job.”

While Logan went into the kitchen, I rushed to the bathroom and vomited everything up. Even though the sensation of the food coming back up was horrible, there was a faint sense of relief.

After emptying my stomach, I stepped out of the bathroom, feeling lighter, but froze in place.

“…”

Logan stood there, his expression one of shock. His eyes were red underneath, as if he were barely holding back tears.

He was clenching his fists so tightly, his jaw locked as if struggling to suppress a deep sadness. His face was the very picture of despair.

A wave of guilt washed over me, and I averted my eyes from his gaze.

“I just wasn’t feeling well.”

I was the one who forced myself to eat food I didn’t want. I was the one who suffered, throwing it all up until bitter bile came up. So why did you look so drained and hurt? What could possibly be so hard for you…?

Even as I thought that, my chest burned. It felt like a vicious fire ant had bitten into my heart, leaving it aching and raw.

I hung my head low, biting my lip hard, and mumbled in a voice tinged with tears.

“I won’t do it again… I’m sorry.”

For the first time, I apologized to him. Logan sighed deeply, then walked over and wrapped me in his arms.

Once again, Logan didn’t give up on me. Instead of scolding me, he comforted me, saying he was sorry for making me eat something I didn’t want.

“If there’s anything you actually want to eat, just tell me. I’ll make it for you.”

“…There isn’t. Nothing at all.”

His scent filled my lungs, and I held my breath.

The truth was, there was something I wanted to eat.

My empty stomach was screaming for it. Like a beast that had been lying dormant in a dark cave, suddenly awakened with glowing eyes and a terrifying roar, my insides twisted, and my heart pounded dangerously hard.

There is something I want, Logan. I want human blood and flesh.

I want to tear into soft flesh, drink the flowing blood, and chew on hot, sweet meat. I want to rip out a heart from under the ribs and take a big bite.

But I can’t, right? If I did something like that, it would break you, wouldn’t it?

So I’ll hold back. Even if it’s unbearable, I’ll hold back, Logan. Because I don’t want to disappoint you.